HOW I
MET YOUR MOTHER: Season 9 Episode 24
The
Last Drink
WRITTEN
BY: Jack Kavanagh
INT. MaCLAREN'S
PUB EVENING
TED,
LILY, MARSHALL, ROBIN and BARNEY are in their usual places in the bar and they
are discussing their favourite subject, TED’s personal life.
TED
Wow, I don’t
believe it, this time tomorrow I’m getting married!
BARNEY
Welcome
to the club buddy. Being married is awesome!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MARSHALL (Depressed)
I
remember when I used to be a realistic and likeable character. I had storylines
and everything!
TED
I’m
just worried that she wouldn’t be the right person for me, I mean this is the
woman I am going to be spending the rest of my life with.
The
characters continue to discuss the life of TED. They then go off to the
wedding, he marries THE MOTHER. Nobody mentions that she looks like a 12
year old. We have yet to learn anything about her character, so I will portray
her in the manner which amused me most. I’ve also decided to call her Pam.
I will
now fast forward to the wedding and avoid coming up with some sort of
wedding-related hijinks. Let’s just assume that BARNEY staged some sort of
overly elaborate and ridiculous stag night. We can be sure than the bickering
about who will be the best man will take up a couple of episodes. Then TED and
ROBIN have a sexually tense and emotionally naked conversation about love, she
somehow manages to alleviate TED’s anxieties.
But in
the end they all get to the church or whatever, maybe someone lost the rings or
something, even if it’s a massive cliché.
INT. WEDDING CHAPEL AFTERNOON
PRIEST (Probably played by a notable
actor, hopefully CLINT EASTWOOD)
Dearly Beloved, we are here to celebrate the coming together of two souls under the
sight of God Almighty
BARNEY winks at a ROBIN, brace yourselves
for several jokes about their kinky sex in weird places after the ceremony.
TED (Dramatic hesitation)
I do
PAM
I do
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
BARNEY (Quietly to MARSHALL)
I’d do
her
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cut
to the after party. TED is quietly talking to PAM on the head table. LILY and
MARHSALL are involved in some baby-related shenanigans, much to the delight of
the studio audience.
MARSHALL (angrily)
Why am I here!? I don’t need to be on television, I’ve made movies with Justin Timberlake! Do you hear me woman!? Justin Fucking Timberlake!
Why am I here!? I don’t need to be on television, I’ve made movies with Justin Timberlake! Do you hear me woman!? Justin Fucking Timberlake!
(Suddenly the baby vomits on to his
shirt)
LILY
Now you
know how Britney Spears felt
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND WOOPS
The wedding ends and everyone
moves on with their lives.
We fast forward, 5 years into the
future and see the gang. BARNEY and ROBIN have 3 children, TED and PAM have a young
baby. However, MARSHALL and LILY’s child has turned into an annoying little brat,
beloved by the studio audience. He also has a catchphrase, which is regularly shoehorned
into every scene.
LILY
OK
Marvin, let’s get ready for your first day at school.
MARVIN
No!
LILY
Don’t
worry about it. School will be great, you can make new friends and you’ll grow
to cherish the experience in your later life
MARVIN (Sadly)
Bojangles
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDES
MARSHALL
I
should have taken that role on Parks and
Recreation when I had the chance
The timeline advances further and
further into the future and we learn what life holds in store for each member
of the gang. Until we get to the final scene.
INT. THE
LIVING ROOM OF FUTURE TED’S HOUSE
FUTURE TED (Stepping from behind the
camera, while speaking to his children)
And
that kids is the story of how
I met your mother. Every up and down in my late 20s, all the women I hooked
up with that weren’t your mother, every unsavoury detail about your Uncle
BARNEY. Anyway I hope I wasn’t talking for too long. (Glances at watch) What
time do you reckon dinner will be?
Suddenly YOUNG TED bursts into
the living room. He looks disheveled and is holding a gun. He points the gun
at his future counterpart
OLDER TED
Woah!
Who the fuck are you!?
YOUNG TED
I’m
you! From the past
(Dramatic Chord)
I’ve
gone forward into the future……to kill you
(Shocked expression from the characters)
OLDER TED
But! If
die, then you die!
YOUNG TED appears unconcerned and
shows the audience that he means business with a menacing laugh. But he was not
expecting OLDER TED’s surprise attack. The two men wrestle for the gun, but it
slips out for their grip and skids across the floor and lands at the feet of
THE DAUGHTER. She picks up the gun and points it at the two men.
OLDER TED
DAUGHTER!
Don’t shoot me! Shoot him, I’m the real TED!
YOUNGER TED
No!
Shoot him
THE DAUGHTER looks unsure. She
considers a moment, then hones her pistol on one of the TEDs. She closes her
eyes. The camera zooms in on her face. A gunshot is heard. A body drops.
YOUNG TED looks himself over and
realises that he is unharmed. THE DAUGHTER drops the gun and runs over to YOUNG
TED, they hold each other for moment. Finally he begins walking away
dramatically.
THE DAUGHTER
Where
will you go??
YOUNGER TED
Wherever
I am needed
END
AUDIENCE WILDLY APPLAUDS
Now I am pretty sure that the
above will never be even remotely considered for the last ever episode of How I
Met Your Mother. There are numerous plot holes, unrealistic situations and the
ending was extremely unsatisfying. You might think that I just came up with the
above story in the space of an evening. And you would be right. But instead I
have given an extended metaphor for the lifespan of one of my all-time
favourite sitcoms.
It started out nicely, good characters, snappy
dialogue. But something went wrong, in
around season 4 and the quality began to steadily decline with each coming
season. Instead now the show it just a series of random plots occurring in
increasingly absurd scenarios.
 |
| The word 'awesome is heavily featured, like a typical episode |
I sincerely hope that the writers get their act together and give us a good final season, so we can say goodbye to the characters and allow them to join Scrubs and 30 Rock as strong candidates for ‘Best Sitcom of the 2000s’